I Choose Health

The new exercise bike is in the family room, in the exact spot where Scott’s hospital bed was for the last couple of months he was alive.  I often find myself looking at the bike, and thinking how a symbol of health and life has replaced a symbol of sickness and death.  Now if I could just get motivated enough to do more than look at the stupid bike.  The few times I have actually sat on it and peddled, I was thinking how it must have been for Scott to lie here with this view of the TV and the couch . . . and that’s all.  Was he as absent-mindedly watching TV as I was now?  Where was his mind those last few weeks?  Did he wonder what he could have done to be healthier?  Would he have lived longer if we had bought a new exercise bike sooner?

Of all four of us in the immediately family, he had better eating and exercise habits than the rest. His death should be a warning to us all that it takes more than just good eating and exercise. So I make sure we all are being diligent about going to the doctor, taking our medications, and taking time to distress and be socially active. I am amazed at how few health crisis I have personally experienced since Scott died. Last year I had A-Fib attacks and low-calcium issues all the time. It shows me I really was under a lot of stress caring for him, and dealing with his disabilities. It seems like he was strong when I got ill, and vice versa. Why was that? I remember all the years he took care of me, during my thyroid cancer surgeries, appendectomy, and two complicated pregnancies. He was always there for me. And I was always there for him. Who will be there for me now? His death has certainly reminded me it’s important to take care of myself, but sooner or later, I will need someone to take care of me again. And the last thing I want to do is be a burden on my children. I know some day I will be the one in the hospital bed, probably in my daughter’s family room. But in the meantime, I choose health.

My diet is not bad, but I need some motivation to move my body more. Maybe I’ll start walking the dogs again. That’s certainly a work out . . . especially when another dog passes by, and I have to hold back 180+ pounds of energy wanting to get to that other dog. If only this rain would go away. It makes it too easy to put off that walk.