Caught in What’s Next and What Was I Thinking Thinking

I'm on a roll. .  ..can't quit blogging.  It's raining cats and dogs outside.  And it's freezing inside (since I turned the heat off yesterday) so I keep typing ferociously to keep my fingers warm.

I am learning that most widows demonstrate a similar bereavement behavior of ecstatic enthusiasm to do something, followed by sheer panic at the thought of doing that same thing. It’s like we know there is an exciting freedom of opportunities ahead of us, and we’re not used to it.  Oh no! What do I do next?  

With me, I’m juggling some mixed emotions of wanting to be totally alone and free to do whatever I want, while also not wanting to be alone.  I have two adult kids living at home still.  Suddenly I am resenting having to pick up after them or finding things out of place.  When I put something somewhere, I want to find it there later.  If I lived alone, I would.  And what was I thinking when I adopted two big hairy dogs that do not like to be alone. . . ever?  I love them dearly, but they make it difficult to just spontaneously hop in the car or a plane for a weekend escape.   I walk a fine line of wishing I lived alone, and terrified that one day I will.

I bought an RV, a class-C motor home, on January 11^th, but I have not seen it since January 12^th. .  . the day I dropped it off at my brother’s place in Oregon, to have him replace the carpeting with laminate flooring.  After all I have hairy dogs, that don’t go with shag carpeting.  The job was supposed to take a week.  But it took more like three months.  There was a hidden leak to deal with.  Then the truck motor wouldn't start, and the batteries were all dead too.  Luckily my brother is a mechanic.  I wonder how much time my new RV will be somewhere else, while I wait for someone else to fix it.  What was I thinking?  I don’t even know how to operate the propane gas run water heater.  I hope that purchase doesn't end up being one I really regret.

My dream was to grab the dogs and take off for an adventure in the RV. . . at the spur of the minute any weekend.  Will that ever happen?  Or is this dream too big for me?  We'll see.  I should have my RV back next weekend, and my first solo camping trip will be to Leavenworth, for Maifest.  Will it actually happen?  I hope so.