I am an Artist

I came in “first runner up” for two different job interviews last week.  In both cases, my competitors were very impressive, so it was truly an honor to be one of the top two both times.  But that fact didn’t keep me from feeling rather depleted by it all.  After the last one was announced, I found myself on the verge of falling into a negative mindset and probably depression.  I was complaining as I drove my daughter and me home after work.  I didn’t want to go back to work.  I just wanted to quit.  I was probably too old to compete with the younger generation.  I was used to getting any job I interviewed.  Why was I suddenly now “second best?”  When my daughter reminded me that she went through a similar spell of being in the top two, but not selected, it made me remember that it was my job to set a good example for my daughter.  It would have been easy to join her in a whiney, complaining mode.  But I decided that wasn’t me.  In fact, I was reminded of all the work I’ve done this year on being intent-ful and focusing my mind on what I WANT  . . . not what I DON’T WANT.  That’s a big part of the Law of Attraction (LOA).  The more we think about the negative, the more likely we are to attract that.  The same is true in reverse.  The more we think about positive things, the more likely we are to attract those things in our lives. 

All this caused me to ask myself what it was that I truly wanted.  While both those jobs would have been nice, I had a nice job already.  Of course I NEED more income, now that I lost half of our household income with Scott’s passing.  But given no employee raises are in the state budget for the next couple of years, I wouldn’t have a higher income from either of those jobs . . . at least not until a new budget comes out.  So what is it I truly wanted, related to my career?  Everything I thought of I had (respect, friends, etc.) already. 

It is my dream to retire in May 2017 (three years from now), when all my debts are finally paid off . . . except my house.  So I decided what I really should be focused on is, what will I do next?  What would I do, if I didn’t have to get up and go to the office every day?  I know the answer is this; I would go to my art studio in my sweats and paint all day.  That’s what makes me happy.

Jenessa and I went to Arts Walk last week, and throughout the evening, Jenny kept saying “Mom, you really should sell your art.  You are as good or better than this artist.”  And I had to agree.  When I saw the prices on some of the pieces, I just had to say, “Really?”  I could have painted that . . . and made a killing on it too. 

The art I’ve done over the last couple of years has either been gifts for friends, something for my yard/house, or just a page in one of my art journals.  I haven’t made anything to sell for many many years.  I have enjoyed exploring different mediums this last couple of years. I spent much of the time caring for Scott, in my art studio, which is right off the room where his hospital bed.  It was a good way to relax and distress.  But do I want to do art for profit?  And can I?  I never really felt comfortable calling myself an artist.  My mom was an artist.  She painted beautiful landscapes, especially ocean beaches with beautiful waves and skies.  Blue was her favorite color.  And she could draw people really well.  I could never really draw.  Luckily I can trace what others draw, and I can use rubber stamps too . . .but I cannot draw.  And yet, people seem to really like whatever I create.  They call me an artist.  I just thought of myself as someone who likes to create.

I decided I want to explore that idea of “going pro” more, over the next year or so.  Maybe I can supplement my retirement enough to keep my house after I retire.  That would be my dream. 

To that end, I have decided to take a weekend course that I’ve always wanted to take.  Donna Downey has a studio in North Carolina, and she is an awesome teacher.  I simply love her work, and adore her as a person. She does some online workshops (donnadowney.com), if you want to see her in action.  Anyway, I am going to attend her next “Paint Like An Artist” workshop (in late June).  She works one-n-one with a small group of wannabes, and their work has truly inspired me.  She teaches techniques and tips that I am really excited to learn. I can hardly wait.

For most of my life, when I was asked the typical question, “How do you see yourself when you grow old?”  I always had this visual of a pudgy old woman with long flowing grey hair in a messy knot on her head, with glasses perched on her nose, with lots of wrinkles around her smiling eyes, wearing an apron covered with paint, and flip flops.  I dreamed of having a studio with lots of light shining in it. I’m not sure WHEN I became the woman in that dream, but here I am.  It just reaffirms the old adage that you become what you think.

Proverbs 4:23 says, ^“Be careful what you think, because your thoughts run your life.”  I used to quote the following to my kids all the time:

“Be careful what you think, because your thoughts lead to your actions.

Be careful what you do, because your actions become your habits.

Be careful of your habits, because they become your character.

Be careful of your character, because it becomes your destiny.”

So I’m thinking I am an Artist.  This blog is about starting over, as a Widow.  I no longer have anyone else to please but myself.  What an opportunity!  I can be anything I want . . . go anywhere I want . . . do anything I want.  And I want to be an Artist.  I want to FEEL like I really am an artist. So I’m going back to my art studio now to have fun.